Facebook status updates

1.If they can do away with Pluto as a Planet, why can’t they do away with Monday as a day of the week?????

2.An idea can change ur life
but, a girl can change ur ideas.
so always change ur girlfrnd to get new ideas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"wat an idea sir ji.....;D

3.Wife-Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband-How can I? I don't even know her!!!!!!!

4.You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to;D

5.Lamha lamha waqt guzar jaega,
kuch din k baad Valentine's day aa jaega,
Abhi bhi waqt hai,kisi se affair chala lo,
Warna ye valentine bhi miya ji ke saath gujar jaega;D"
...
6.There isn’t a better feeling than walking into a room with your hair a mess, pj’s on, and mismatched socks and your child saying “mom u r so beautiful” :)

7.I was in my kitchen cleaning… When suddenly I realised OMG… I’m late for Facebook!!!

8.Couples are just like scissors. They always go opposite directions yet punishing anyone who comes between them.

9."The best way out is always through."
Robert Frost

10."New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."
Mark Twain

Most popular Jokes

1.Without Love -- dayz are
Sadday,
moanday,
tearsday,
wasteday,
...thirstday,
frightday,
shatterday...
so be in Luv everyday...

2."You cannot blame gravity for falling in love";))Einstein.

3.Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got!!!:)

4.Robert Louis Stevenson writes-"Wine is bottled poetry"
Well..well..now i know why i like poetry;)

5.If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?

6.Two men were searching for their wives lost in a fete.
First Man: How does your wife look like?
Second Man:Oh she is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First Man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...;p

7.Rahul Roy-"Sau saal tak sanam ki aankhon mein doob jaaun,
 Sau saal aur ho toh uske galey lagaoon...............
Sau saal phir milan ki duniya nayi nayi de.................

Mere khuda mujhe tu ek aur jindagi de..."

Khuda-"Beta Rahul-,itna slow jaega,ek aur jindagi bhi kum padegi;D

8.I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon!!!!

9.Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi ek lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife-Kaun thi woh?
Hus-Tum dimaag kharrab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshaan hoon ki woh bhi Yehi puchhegi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;D

10.Dunno why facebook gives me a choice to 'like' my own comments!!!!!!!!Come on..Ofcourse I like all my comments even wen no one else does;D

naughty jokes

1.Husband goes missing.Wife complains at the police station.
Wife-"He is handsome 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean... to your children."
wife- "Yes, but who wants HIM back?";D

2."Yaar,tera beta toh bilkul tere jaisa hi dikhtaa hai!!!!"
"Abbey,dheere bol... woh padosi ka beta hai!!!!!!" ;D

3.

she-Wat wud u do if I died?Wud u marry again?
He-No way!
she-Y not?don't u lyk being married?
He:Ofcourse I do.
she:Then why wudn't u remarry?
...He:Ok,I'd get married
she:u wud?
He:Uf
she:Wud u sleep with her in our bed?
He:Where else wud we sleep?
she:Wud u replace my pictures with hers?
He:That wud seem lyk d proper thing to do.
she:Wud she use my golf clubs?
He:No,she's left-handed.
Silence
Shit!

4. It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don’t know. Some st...upid guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."

5.Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.';P

6.Girl: darling will you keep loving me after marriage like you do now?
Boy: mmm .. Honey all depends upon ur future hubby, if he allows it or not!;)

7.Two old men were talking over old times and saying how much things had changed.
"I didn't even kiss my wife before I married her, did you?"
"I can't remember. What was her maiden name?".

8.First man-I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Second man: Me too, after u leave;D

9.A man never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman? ;D

10.There is so little difference between husbands tht u might as well keep the first;-D

Enjoy the quotes

1.It does not matter if u try and try and try again, and fail.....It does matter if u try and fail, and fail to try again:) Charles Kettering.


2.A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be thought of as half as good.
Luckily,this is not difficult.;)


3.A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


4.Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your smells.


5.Due2cold a bird froze n fell to the ground.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,he began to realize how warm he was.He lay there all warm and happy, and began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,n promptly dug him out n ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3.And wen u r in deep shit,its best to keep ur mouth shut:0


6.A Mother is a person who, seeing there r only 4 pieces of pie for 5 people, promptly announces she never did care for pie! Teneva Jordan


7.Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper ! It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while ;D


8."if the plural of Mouse is MICE. then the plural of spouse must b SPICE"!!!!! ha ha ..how appropriate;))


9.Ask him to take u out and he wants to relax at home;decide to relax at home and he invites friends for dinner; dine out and he finds the children are nt well-mannered; try to manner them and he feels u r over-demanding; demand little and he wants u to share ur dreams;share them and he wants to change the topic;change the topic and he knows he has upset u;b upset n he is there to take u out for dinner;)


10.Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He dint have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she dint have to listen to him tell how his mother used to cook ;)

Best one-liners

1.Love will die if held too tightly! Love will fly if held too lightly!! Handle ur love with care:)


2.A ship in the harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are for!

 3.Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.


4.Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain!!!!


5.One who doesnt throw the dice, can never expect to score a six! Siddhuism


6.Work by exception, not by rule....and enjoy the difference.


7.True..Life is not a bed of roses...and here comes a Monday every week to remind u the bitter truth :(


8.A life without cause is a life without effect.


9.Life gives answer in 3 ways: It says YES and gives u what u want. It says NO and gives u smthng better. It says WAIT and gives u the BEST:)


10.You know what u r but u don't know what u can become". Arindam Chaudhuri

More Quotes

1.Exams are like girl friends. 1. Too Many Questions.2. Difficult to Understand.3. More Explanation is Needed.4. Result is always FAIL.:(


2.BIZZARE: "In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired, and the husband with just her bare hands"


3.A long marriage is like two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time!!!!cheers to all my 'skilled' friends who hv survived their marriage for a decade or more:) and all my best wishes to the brave hearts who'll soon reach the mark.Keep dancing to the life's tune!!!!


4.A 10-year study in Scotland found that 20% of people die of a heart attack on Monday’s compare to any other day of the week! The study suggests that the ‘Monday peak’ could be a result of massive drinking during the weekend and work related stress:(....so guys remember-no stress n moderate drinking;) njoy ur weekend:)


5.Honey is the only food tht doesnt spoil with time! now i know y sweet hearts r called so;)


6.Desire breeds more desires !


7.A girl applied to a computer dating service and reported that she liked water sports n formal wear, and the computer matched her with a PENGUIN !!!!!LOL


8.Dare to make a promise...promise brings hope n hope brings smile..and do u know anythng more precious than ur loved one's smile:)


9.Nothing is so good as it seems before hand.


10.I m not denying the women r foolish. God Almighty made them to match the men!!!!!!! George Eliot

Witty one-liners

1.Having one child makes you a parent:) having two you are a referee:(
David Frost


2.Nothing can change the past,but we can change wat it does to us.


3.There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice!!!


4.The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.


5.I believe in luck. How else can u explain the success of those you dislike????


6."Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still." - Lou Erickso


7.Beauty may b only skin deep, but love is not !!!!!!!!!It grows with ur wrinkles ;)


8.Har pal mein pyar hai// Har lamhe mein khushi hai...Kho do toh yaadein hain// Jee lo toh zindagi hai....!!!!!:)


9.What is this life if full of care// We have no time to stand and stare//


10.How is it tht wen he puts forward a reason.....it is EXPLANATION...but wen she does the same,it turns into an EXCUSE!!!!!:(

Quotes n poems

1.O God,if u cant make me FIT:(.....plz make my friends FAT :)


2.I would spread the cloths under your feet
...But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...
W.B Yeats.


3.Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning.


4."Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
Goethe


5.There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really woundAre those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox


6.All i want is a little more than i will ever get .


7.Why is it tht jab bhi we wanna spend on jewellery,there comes promptly..the same age-old complement from the other side-"Tum toh bina jewar ke hi bahut khooobsoorat lagti ho";)!!!!!


8.Love is in the present...live it.:-)Past is just memories n future..only hope!


9.Constant presence erodes desire. U cant long for something that is alwaz available!


10.Wen he reminds u a task,it is his genuine concern.wen u do the same,it is nagging:((

Unforgettable Quotes

1.WATS THE SECRET OF SUCCESS?


"Be open," said the window.
"Keep cool," said the ice.
"Drive hard," said the hammer.
"Be up to date," said the calender.
"Never be led," said the pencil.
"Be sharp," said the knife.
"Burn with passion," said the fire.
"Stick to it," said the glue.
"Be bright," said the lamp

2.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.:-(

3."Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Maatrirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaktirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaantirupena Sansthitah
Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namo Namah"

4.Men are like...Placemats.They only show up when there's food on the table.

5.HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further.:(
M0ral:always Keep a SPARE TYRE;

6.GOD IS NOWHERE.
GOD IS NOW HERE.
All that matters is how we wanna see things!

7.Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with;D

8. MEN R HAPPIER BCOZ:
Chocolate 4U is just another snack!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
...One wallet and one pair of shoes-one colour for all seasons!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look;D
Wrinkles only add character;)
n The world is your urinal!

9. You love someone,
You marry someone else !
The one you marry becomes your spouse !And the one you loved becomes …………..
the password of your email id !!;)

10.SUCCESS

"At age 4 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . Having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. Having a driver license.
At age 75 success is . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants."

Popular facebook status updates

1. Jhilmilate dipon ki aabha se prakashit
Ye diwali aapke ghar aangan mein
Dhan dhanya sukh samridhi aur IshwarKe anant aashirwad le kar aaye.
Happy Diwali


2.How nice it feels wen ur long lost school n college pals see ur recent pics n exclaim aloud "oh dear,u still look the SAME!!!!They dont care if ur hair has thinned,some wrinkles b added or the weight b doubled!!!!True then,love is blind:)


3.If u love me, raise ur hand,
If u dont, raise ur standard;D


4. Sri Sri Ravishankar on the four aspects of Diwali:
Lights:symbolizing the spreading of Knowledge.
Firecrackers:Watching the firecrackers gives a relief to d explosive tendencies inside. When d explosion happens outside,d explosion inside is diffused.
Gifts n sweets: Sweets dispel d bitterness and renew friendship.
Feeling abundance:Feeling a sense of abundance brings awareness n gratefulness for what one has.


5.Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present TENSE, but the past PERFECT! ~Owens Lee Pomeroy


6.The strength of a man isn't in d deep tone of his voice.
It's in d gentle words he whispers!(talks nonsense to please u)The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It's how good of buddies he is with his children!(plays with kids wen u snore)
The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It's in how respected he is at home!(brings expensive gifts)
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches!(handles crockery with care)
The strength of a man isn't in d weight he can lift.
It's in d burdens he can carry!(calls ur mom to stay;)


7.The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books—how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.!!!!!:D


8.Deewaron ke bhi kaan hote hain!.....if u r nt convinced, just share a secret on ur fb wall;D


9.The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes".


10.If WOMEN ruled the world, there wud be no wars.
     It wud be just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!!!!!!!;)

Funny Status Updates

1.Romance simply doesnt work with some husbands!Dump the kids early to bed n they get scared "Itna Sannata kyun hai Bhai?":( Arrange a cosy candlelite dinner n they wud switch on the lights to b assured if u serve them in rite proportion!!!:(wish to go for a long drive...they wud suggest why not shop some grocery on the way home:(Ask them for a stroll in rain..n they wud come out with two umbrellas:(


2.After an emotional hug, Girl to Boy:-----
"Oh! If youwould hug me once more like that ,I will be yours forever."...............
Boy:-- "THANKS FOR THE WARNING.";-D


3.Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... some things are just better rich.'


4.Question: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Answer: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum;D


5.A single spelling mistake that caused divorce!!!!!!!
A man went 2 GOA & sent msg 2 his wife- "Having the most amazing & wonderful time, i wish u were HER".


6.yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....
yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....

......Cameraman prafful ke saath deepak chaurasia AAJ TAK:D


7.Best traffic advertisment of the year: Picture of Lord Ganesha with saying:"Take care of your head,not everyone gets a replacement like me".


8. Little Red Rididng Hood dint listen to her mother.....Snow White lived with seven men.....Pinnochio was a liar......Robin Hood was a thief....Tarzan walked without clothes on....Sleeping Beauty slept the whole day until a guy kissed her.....Cindrella was dancing with a guy till twelve at nite!!!!!
These are the stories our parents rais...ed us with, n now they complain our our generation's messed up!!!!;D


9. Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop n pray
For life's been anything but calmSince u called on me to b a mom
Running errands,matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks!
Cooking,cleaning n finding shoes
n other stuff dat children lose!

10.We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.";D

Funny Quotes

1.By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.;D
-- Dorothy Parker


2."And what if,
In your sleep
You dreamed ?
...And what if,
In your dream,
You went to heaven
And there plucked
A strange and
Beautiful flower ?

And what if,
When you awoke,
You had the flower in your hand ?
Ah, what then?"
Samuel Taylor Coleridge


3.Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in its nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow.


4.The duck looks smooth and calm on top of the water
But underneath there is restless peddling.
In life nothing worthwhile comes without struggle.


5. TERE MERE/WOH SAAT PHERE;)
1st-for nourishing and pure food.(Go for organic only)
2nd-for healthy and prosperous life.(no wonder the weight gain)3rd-for wealth(Root of all misery)
4th-for increase in love and respect for each other(love fights)
5th-for beautiful, heroic and noble children(Ah,here they come)
6th-for peaceful long life 2gether(jhelo n jhelao)
7th-for lifelong friendship(become FB friends)


6.Jinke ghar shishe ke hote hain woh basement me kapde badalte hain".lol


7. TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN;)
1.Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
2.Parties: Going without new outfits
3.Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too. 4.Bathroom Etiquette II: His razor is His
5.Introduction to parking
6.TV Remotes: For men only."
7.Communication Skills:Tears -The last resort, not the first!


8.An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.
The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'
The girls wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'


9.How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." !!!!!!


10.To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring........

Funniest one liners

1.There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it


2.If only life came with Rewind...Forward...Play...Pause.....Next n Stop buttons:(


3.We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
~W.H. Auden


4.Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility. Pablo Picasso.

5.Fools rush in..................................................................n take the best seats;D


6.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake. ;D


7.Eat,drink n be merry.......................for u may b on diet tomorrow;D


8.My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


9.Women are crazy.
Men are stupid.
The main reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid.!!!!!!!!!;D


10.A long time married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. "It really works!" ;D

Witty Updates

1.Why do men like intelligent women?
   Because Opposites attract;)


2.Love is holding hands in the street,Marriage is holding arguments in the street.Love is dinner for two in a restaurant,Marriage is a take-home packet.Love is cuddling on a sofa,Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.Love is going to bed early;)Marriage is going to sleep early;(Love is losing ur appetite,Marriage is losing ur figure.TVhas no place in love,Marriage is a constant fight for remote......


3.You cannot blame gravity for falling in love;)


4.There is so little difference between husbands that you might as well keep the first;)


5.Wine is bottled poetry.


6.If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?


7.Two men were searching for their wives lost in a fete.
First Man: How does your wife look like?
Second Man:Oh she is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First Man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...;p


8.I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


9.Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi ek lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife-Kaun thi woh?
Hus-Tum dimaag kharrab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshaan hoon ki woh bhi Yehi puchhegi !!!!!!!!!!;D


10.Dunno why facebook gives me a choice to 'like' my own comments!!!!!!!!Come on..Ofcourse I like all my comments even wen no one else does;D

Status Updates

1.‎'Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over
it became a butterfly'.


2.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


3.Chuha Billi se darta hai,
...Billi Kutte se darti hai,
Kutta Aadmi se darta hai,
Aadmi Biwi se darta hai,
Aur Biwi Chuhhe se darti hai


4.Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~ Maria Robinson.


5.Sometimes, hope is what makes us smile. Other times, a smile is what can bring us hope.


6.Pleasure tastes best when sipped at intervals.


7.A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.


8.If u cannot find the brighter side of life then polish the darker side ... !
Attitude of adjustment is the only instrument to live a life ... !


9.If money doesnt grow on trees, why do banks have branches?


10.Life has never been the same as it was before Facebook came in my life! Now i dont bother who fiddles with the TV remote;)