Great Jokes

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."
"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."
"Then show me," replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."
"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."


A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.
"Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."



In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head!"

SANTA BANTA JOKES

Banta, “All of the thrill is gone from my marriage.”


Santa, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"


Banta, “But what if my wife finds out?”


Santa, “Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and just tell her about it.”


Banta goes home to his wife and says, “Preeto, I think an affair will help bring us closer together.”


Preeto, “Forget it, I’ve already tried that. It didn’t work.”





Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?


Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal."


Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.


The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.


Banta, "It was a flop idea."


Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"


Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook!"

 

santa: samindar me dahi dal raha tha
banta:isi liye log humpe joke banate hay. itni lassi tera baap piyega



Santa got a invitation of party.
Usme likha tha Pink Tie Only
Santa jab party me gaya to logo ne pant shirt bhi pehena tha.





santa ws filling a slambook. He didnt knw d meaning of zodiac sign. He turnd d previus page & saw dat sumbody had written Cancer, so he wrote GAS KI TAKLIF!!..




santa ne hospital me ek surjery gloves dekha, bar bar ulat palat k dekhne k bad bola lagta hai purane jamane ka condom hai!




Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat




Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.




whats ford?
santa: gaadi.
whats oxford?
santa: so simple, bail gaadi.

Mary Wollstonecraft Quotes

 

Mary Wollstonecraft

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.

Virtue can only flourish amongst equals.

The endeavor to keep alive any hoary establishment beyond its natural date is often pernicious and always useless.

Independence I have long considered as the grand blessing of life, the basis of every virtue; and independence I will ever secure by contracting my wants, though I were to live on a barren heath.

Till women are more rationally educated, the progress in human virtue and improvement in knowledge must receive continual checks

It is justice, not charity, that is wanting in the world.

To be a good mother — a woman must have sense, and that independence of mind which few women possess who are taught to depend entirely on their husbands. Meek wives are, in general, foolish mothers; wanting their children to love them best, and take their part, in secret, against the father, who is held up as a scarecrow.

We reason deeply, when we forcibly feel.

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865
16th President of the United States

1."It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

2. People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."

3."Whatever u r ,be a good one."

4."And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years."

5."The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."

6."Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." 
7. A house divided against itself cannot stand
 8."Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm."

9."We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."

10.You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was."

Henry James Quotes

1. I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them

2. It takes an endless amount of history to make even a little tradition.

3. Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

4.Since I’ve lived all these years as if I were dead, I shall die, no doubt, as if I were alive…” Wings of the Dove

5.Deep experience is never peaceful.

6.The superiority of one man's opinion over another's is never so great as when the opinion is about a woman.

7. No themes are so human as those that reflect for us, out of the confusion of life, the close connection of bliss and bale, of the things that help with the things that hurt, so dangling before us forever that bright hard medal, of so strange an alloy, one face of which is somebody's right and ease and the other somebody's pain and wrong.

8. Don't mind anything anyone tells you about anyone else. Judge everyone and everything for yourself.

9. A man who pretends to understand women is bad manners. For him to really to understand them is bad morals.

10. An Englishman's never so natural as when he's holding his tongue.

 

 

Kid-Zone.

1."Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."
Richard Zera


2.Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

3."Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Fran Lebowitz.


4.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

5.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


6.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


7.Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.



8."Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." -


9.The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

10.Fill in the blanks in english test.
Better late than.............pregnant!!!!!!

Laugh Aloud

1.Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."
Joe Namath


2."My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
Buddy Hackett


3."Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.


4."There are two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and its mother's age."
Benjamin Spock


5."Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head."
Martin Mull


6.My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale."
Les Dawson


7."When you're eight years old nothing is your business."
Lenny Bruce.


8."In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
Erma Bombeck.


9."I never met a kid I liked."
WC Fields.


10."Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
Joan Rivers.

Swinburne Quotes

1.Body and spirit are twins: God only knows which is which.


2.And the best and the worst of this is
 That neither is most to blame
 If you have forgotten my kisses
 And I have forgotten your name.
An Interlude




3."But from sharp words and wits men pluck no fruit;
And gathering thorns they shake the tree at root;
For words divide and rend,
But silence is most noble till the end."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "Atalanta"


4."Death, if thou wilt, fain would I plead with thee:
Canst thou not spare, of all our hopes have built,
One shelter where our spirits fain would be
Death, if thou wilt?"
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "A Dialogue"


5."Heart's ease of pansy, pleasure or thought,
Which would the picture give us of these?
Surely the heart that conceived it sought
Heart's ease."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "A Flower Piece by Fanten"


6."If love were what the rose is,
And I were like the leaf,
Our lives would grow together
In sad or singing weather."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "A Match"


7."In the world of dreams, I have chosen my part.
To sleep for a season and hear no word
Of true love's truth or of light love's art,
Only the song of a secret bird."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "A Ballad of Dreamland--Envoi"


8."Not with dreams, but with blood and with iron
Shall a nation be moulded to last."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "A Word for the Country"


9."There is no such thing as a dumb poet or a handless painter. The essence of an artist is that he should be articulate."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne


10."White rose in red rose-garden
Is not so white;
Snowdrops, that plead for pardon
And pine for fright
Because the hard East blows
Over their maiden vows,
Grow not as this face grows from pale to bright."
- Algernon Charles Swinburne, "Before the Mirror"

Most Hilarious Jokes.

1.

Kid: May I buy some grapes?
Baker: we don't have that
The nxt day:
Kid: May I buy some grapes?
......Baker: I said we don't have that! if you ask that one more time, i'm gonna staple your mouth!
D nxt day:
Kid: Do you have a stapler?
Baker: No, why?
Kid: May I buy some grapes? :D

2.Facebook is like jail you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

3.Boy's dad joined facebook. Boy's status, 'WTF'. Boy's dad asks, what iS WTF?' Kid replies, 'Welcome To Facebook'

4.As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make... me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

5. I went for a drive with my girlfriend the other day & got pulled over, the officer asked "have you been drinking" I replied "come on mate, she isn't that fat"

6.Dear Maths,All my life you made me find your X !!!Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please move on!!!Regards,Frustrated Student.

7.Dad brings a robot which slaps people who lie. Dad: 'son where were you?'
Son: 'school' robot slaps son, Son: 'film!' Dad: 'which one?' Son:
'cartoon film' robot slaps again. Son: 'blue film' Dad: 'whats that??'
robot slaps dad.

8.A boy was driving a car.. A girl overtakes his car.. The boy shouted "hey donkey".. The girl replied to him "pig, buffalo, stupid"..Suddenly she had an accident, because in front of her, a donkey was crossing. Moral -> Girls never understand guys



9.After drinking: Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional, Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing! WOMEN can do all these things WITHOUT drinking.


10.The priest asks Johnny if he's not scared of meeting Satan. Little Johnny
says "You are the one that must be scared; you talk shit about him every
Sunday."

Robert Frost Quotes

Robert Frost (March 26, 1874 – January 29, 1963)



"Poetry is what gets lost in translation."

"Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length."

"The best way out is always through."

"Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay."

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

"There are two kinds of teachers: the kind that fill you with so much quail shot that you can't move, and the kind that just gives you a little prod behind and you jump to the skies."

"Freedom lies in being bold."

"There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will."


"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."


"A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes."


"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up."


"The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them."


"The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected."


"Thinking is not to agree or disagree. That's voting."


"Good fences make good neighbors.


"The best things and best people rise out of their separateness; I'm against a homogenized society because I want the cream to rise." 


"Fire and Ice
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice. " 

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."


Some people sit 'round a ring and suppose,
but the secret sits in the middle and knows." 


"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep" 

Funniest Jokes

1.Santa was feeling happy!
After five minutes,happy slapped him;D




2.To Reduce Depression of Students,Sir Showed them "3 IDIOTS".Sir=What did u Learn 4m the Movie?Students=KISS Karte WaQt NAAK Bich me Nahi Aati ;)




3.Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But wives r smarter so men get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed;D




4.

Shayari dat wud blow ur senses :-


Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
..Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
44 mutual friends
Fir bhi kaun hai bey tu.. :D lol

5.Just thinking if every couple... Husband & Wife, BF & GF exchanged their Facebook a/c & cell phone for 24 hours . Will they b still together after that ?! lol

6.

sardar meets an English man...
Angrez: hi
Sardar: hellow!!
Ang: How do you do?????
Sardar: That's a secret!!!!!!!!!: P

7.Last Night,I broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!"

.
.
I wz thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”


 

8.

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...
Sardaar :Ok Sir ....
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of ......good.
Sardar :hmmmm..... Bad
Interviewer : Come
Sardar : Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Sardar : Pichlli.
Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?
Sardar : UGLYYYYYYYYY..
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Sardar : Keep Talking.
Interviewer :ok now stop these all..
Sardar:ok now carry on this all
Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
Sardar: abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh
Interviewer :Areeee yaaar
Sardar: areeee dushmannnnnn
Interviewer : Get Out.
Sardar : Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Sardar : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Sardar: I m selected...
I M SELECTED??? REALLY?? BALLE BALLE :))))

9.you know if you're getting older and one day your sweetie says to you, "darling Let's go upstairs and make love." whats your answer???????, i think the answer will be "Honey, I can't do both in one time!"

10. 

A guy went to his gf's house... But at dat tym, only her sis was thr.. She dressed sexy and told her sis' bf dat his gf gone outside and wont come back for 2 hrs and they can have some intimate moments by dat tym... The guy immediately went out.. Suddenly, his gf came and hugged him happily and said "I luv u too much " ... She said she was testing him an...d he passed it...

Moral : Always keep condoms at the bike .. :D

Facebook status updates

1.If they can do away with Pluto as a Planet, why can’t they do away with Monday as a day of the week?????

2.An idea can change ur life
but, a girl can change ur ideas.
so always change ur girlfrnd to get new ideas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"wat an idea sir ji.....;D

3.Wife-Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband-How can I? I don't even know her!!!!!!!

4.You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to;D

5.Lamha lamha waqt guzar jaega,
kuch din k baad Valentine's day aa jaega,
Abhi bhi waqt hai,kisi se affair chala lo,
Warna ye valentine bhi miya ji ke saath gujar jaega;D"
...
6.There isn’t a better feeling than walking into a room with your hair a mess, pj’s on, and mismatched socks and your child saying “mom u r so beautiful” :)

7.I was in my kitchen cleaning… When suddenly I realised OMG… I’m late for Facebook!!!

8.Couples are just like scissors. They always go opposite directions yet punishing anyone who comes between them.

9."The best way out is always through."
Robert Frost

10."New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions."
Mark Twain

Most popular Jokes

1.Without Love -- dayz are
Sadday,
moanday,
tearsday,
wasteday,
...thirstday,
frightday,
shatterday...
so be in Luv everyday...

2."You cannot blame gravity for falling in love";))Einstein.

3.Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got!!!:)

4.Robert Louis Stevenson writes-"Wine is bottled poetry"
Well..well..now i know why i like poetry;)

5.If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?

6.Two men were searching for their wives lost in a fete.
First Man: How does your wife look like?
Second Man:Oh she is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First Man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...;p

7.Rahul Roy-"Sau saal tak sanam ki aankhon mein doob jaaun,
 Sau saal aur ho toh uske galey lagaoon...............
Sau saal phir milan ki duniya nayi nayi de.................

Mere khuda mujhe tu ek aur jindagi de..."

Khuda-"Beta Rahul-,itna slow jaega,ek aur jindagi bhi kum padegi;D

8.I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon!!!!

9.Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi ek lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife-Kaun thi woh?
Hus-Tum dimaag kharrab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshaan hoon ki woh bhi Yehi puchhegi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;D

10.Dunno why facebook gives me a choice to 'like' my own comments!!!!!!!!Come on..Ofcourse I like all my comments even wen no one else does;D

naughty jokes

1.Husband goes missing.Wife complains at the police station.
Wife-"He is handsome 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean... to your children."
wife- "Yes, but who wants HIM back?";D

2."Yaar,tera beta toh bilkul tere jaisa hi dikhtaa hai!!!!"
"Abbey,dheere bol... woh padosi ka beta hai!!!!!!" ;D

3.

she-Wat wud u do if I died?Wud u marry again?
He-No way!
she-Y not?don't u lyk being married?
He:Ofcourse I do.
she:Then why wudn't u remarry?
...He:Ok,I'd get married
she:u wud?
He:Uf
she:Wud u sleep with her in our bed?
He:Where else wud we sleep?
she:Wud u replace my pictures with hers?
He:That wud seem lyk d proper thing to do.
she:Wud she use my golf clubs?
He:No,she's left-handed.
Silence
Shit!

4. It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don’t know. Some st...upid guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."

5.Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.';P

6.Girl: darling will you keep loving me after marriage like you do now?
Boy: mmm .. Honey all depends upon ur future hubby, if he allows it or not!;)

7.Two old men were talking over old times and saying how much things had changed.
"I didn't even kiss my wife before I married her, did you?"
"I can't remember. What was her maiden name?".

8.First man-I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Second man: Me too, after u leave;D

9.A man never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman? ;D

10.There is so little difference between husbands tht u might as well keep the first;-D

Enjoy the quotes

1.It does not matter if u try and try and try again, and fail.....It does matter if u try and fail, and fail to try again:) Charles Kettering.


2.A woman has to work twice as hard as a man to be thought of as half as good.
Luckily,this is not difficult.;)


3.A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


4.Success is a great deodorant. It takes away all your smells.


5.Due2cold a bird froze n fell to the ground.While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,he began to realize how warm he was.He lay there all warm and happy, and began to sing for joy.A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.The cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,n promptly dug him out n ate him.
Moral of the story:
1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
3.And wen u r in deep shit,its best to keep ur mouth shut:0


6.A Mother is a person who, seeing there r only 4 pieces of pie for 5 people, promptly announces she never did care for pie! Teneva Jordan


7.Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper ! It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for a while ;D


8."if the plural of Mouse is MICE. then the plural of spouse must b SPICE"!!!!! ha ha ..how appropriate;))


9.Ask him to take u out and he wants to relax at home;decide to relax at home and he invites friends for dinner; dine out and he finds the children are nt well-mannered; try to manner them and he feels u r over-demanding; demand little and he wants u to share ur dreams;share them and he wants to change the topic;change the topic and he knows he has upset u;b upset n he is there to take u out for dinner;)


10.Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He dint have to hear about all the men she could have married; and she dint have to listen to him tell how his mother used to cook ;)

Best one-liners

1.Love will die if held too tightly! Love will fly if held too lightly!! Handle ur love with care:)


2.A ship in the harbour is safe, but thats not what ships are for!

 3.Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.


4.Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain!!!!


5.One who doesnt throw the dice, can never expect to score a six! Siddhuism


6.Work by exception, not by rule....and enjoy the difference.


7.True..Life is not a bed of roses...and here comes a Monday every week to remind u the bitter truth :(


8.A life without cause is a life without effect.


9.Life gives answer in 3 ways: It says YES and gives u what u want. It says NO and gives u smthng better. It says WAIT and gives u the BEST:)


10.You know what u r but u don't know what u can become". Arindam Chaudhuri

More Quotes

1.Exams are like girl friends. 1. Too Many Questions.2. Difficult to Understand.3. More Explanation is Needed.4. Result is always FAIL.:(


2.BIZZARE: "In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired, and the husband with just her bare hands"


3.A long marriage is like two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time!!!!cheers to all my 'skilled' friends who hv survived their marriage for a decade or more:) and all my best wishes to the brave hearts who'll soon reach the mark.Keep dancing to the life's tune!!!!


4.A 10-year study in Scotland found that 20% of people die of a heart attack on Monday’s compare to any other day of the week! The study suggests that the ‘Monday peak’ could be a result of massive drinking during the weekend and work related stress:(....so guys remember-no stress n moderate drinking;) njoy ur weekend:)


5.Honey is the only food tht doesnt spoil with time! now i know y sweet hearts r called so;)


6.Desire breeds more desires !


7.A girl applied to a computer dating service and reported that she liked water sports n formal wear, and the computer matched her with a PENGUIN !!!!!LOL


8.Dare to make a promise...promise brings hope n hope brings smile..and do u know anythng more precious than ur loved one's smile:)


9.Nothing is so good as it seems before hand.


10.I m not denying the women r foolish. God Almighty made them to match the men!!!!!!! George Eliot

Witty one-liners

1.Having one child makes you a parent:) having two you are a referee:(
David Frost


2.Nothing can change the past,but we can change wat it does to us.


3.There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice!!!


4.The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.


5.I believe in luck. How else can u explain the success of those you dislike????


6."Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still." - Lou Erickso


7.Beauty may b only skin deep, but love is not !!!!!!!!!It grows with ur wrinkles ;)


8.Har pal mein pyar hai// Har lamhe mein khushi hai...Kho do toh yaadein hain// Jee lo toh zindagi hai....!!!!!:)


9.What is this life if full of care// We have no time to stand and stare//


10.How is it tht wen he puts forward a reason.....it is EXPLANATION...but wen she does the same,it turns into an EXCUSE!!!!!:(

Quotes n poems

1.O God,if u cant make me FIT:(.....plz make my friends FAT :)


2.I would spread the cloths under your feet
...But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...
W.B Yeats.


3.Toss your dashed hopes not into a trash bin but into a drawer where you are likely to rummage some bright morning.


4."Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
Goethe


5.There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west
The only folks we really woundAre those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox


6.All i want is a little more than i will ever get .


7.Why is it tht jab bhi we wanna spend on jewellery,there comes promptly..the same age-old complement from the other side-"Tum toh bina jewar ke hi bahut khooobsoorat lagti ho";)!!!!!


8.Love is in the present...live it.:-)Past is just memories n future..only hope!


9.Constant presence erodes desire. U cant long for something that is alwaz available!


10.Wen he reminds u a task,it is his genuine concern.wen u do the same,it is nagging:((

Unforgettable Quotes

1.WATS THE SECRET OF SUCCESS?


"Be open," said the window.
"Keep cool," said the ice.
"Drive hard," said the hammer.
"Be up to date," said the calender.
"Never be led," said the pencil.
"Be sharp," said the knife.
"Burn with passion," said the fire.
"Stick to it," said the glue.
"Be bright," said the lamp

2.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.:-(

3."Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Maatrirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaktirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaantirupena Sansthitah
Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namo Namah"

4.Men are like...Placemats.They only show up when there's food on the table.

5.HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further.:(
M0ral:always Keep a SPARE TYRE;

6.GOD IS NOWHERE.
GOD IS NOW HERE.
All that matters is how we wanna see things!

7.Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with;D

8. MEN R HAPPIER BCOZ:
Chocolate 4U is just another snack!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
...One wallet and one pair of shoes-one colour for all seasons!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look;D
Wrinkles only add character;)
n The world is your urinal!

9. You love someone,
You marry someone else !
The one you marry becomes your spouse !And the one you loved becomes …………..
the password of your email id !!;)

10.SUCCESS

"At age 4 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . Having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. Having a driver license.
At age 75 success is . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants."

Popular facebook status updates

1. Jhilmilate dipon ki aabha se prakashit
Ye diwali aapke ghar aangan mein
Dhan dhanya sukh samridhi aur IshwarKe anant aashirwad le kar aaye.
Happy Diwali


2.How nice it feels wen ur long lost school n college pals see ur recent pics n exclaim aloud "oh dear,u still look the SAME!!!!They dont care if ur hair has thinned,some wrinkles b added or the weight b doubled!!!!True then,love is blind:)


3.If u love me, raise ur hand,
If u dont, raise ur standard;D


4. Sri Sri Ravishankar on the four aspects of Diwali:
Lights:symbolizing the spreading of Knowledge.
Firecrackers:Watching the firecrackers gives a relief to d explosive tendencies inside. When d explosion happens outside,d explosion inside is diffused.
Gifts n sweets: Sweets dispel d bitterness and renew friendship.
Feeling abundance:Feeling a sense of abundance brings awareness n gratefulness for what one has.


5.Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present TENSE, but the past PERFECT! ~Owens Lee Pomeroy


6.The strength of a man isn't in d deep tone of his voice.
It's in d gentle words he whispers!(talks nonsense to please u)The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It's how good of buddies he is with his children!(plays with kids wen u snore)
The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It's in how respected he is at home!(brings expensive gifts)
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches!(handles crockery with care)
The strength of a man isn't in d weight he can lift.
It's in d burdens he can carry!(calls ur mom to stay;)


7.The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books—how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.!!!!!:D


8.Deewaron ke bhi kaan hote hain!.....if u r nt convinced, just share a secret on ur fb wall;D


9.The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes".


10.If WOMEN ruled the world, there wud be no wars.
     It wud be just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other!!!!!!!;)

Funny Status Updates

1.Romance simply doesnt work with some husbands!Dump the kids early to bed n they get scared "Itna Sannata kyun hai Bhai?":( Arrange a cosy candlelite dinner n they wud switch on the lights to b assured if u serve them in rite proportion!!!:(wish to go for a long drive...they wud suggest why not shop some grocery on the way home:(Ask them for a stroll in rain..n they wud come out with two umbrellas:(


2.After an emotional hug, Girl to Boy:-----
"Oh! If youwould hug me once more like that ,I will be yours forever."...............
Boy:-- "THANKS FOR THE WARNING.";-D


3.Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... some things are just better rich.'


4.Question: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Answer: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum;D


5.A single spelling mistake that caused divorce!!!!!!!
A man went 2 GOA & sent msg 2 his wife- "Having the most amazing & wonderful time, i wish u were HER".


6.yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....
yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....

......Cameraman prafful ke saath deepak chaurasia AAJ TAK:D


7.Best traffic advertisment of the year: Picture of Lord Ganesha with saying:"Take care of your head,not everyone gets a replacement like me".


8. Little Red Rididng Hood dint listen to her mother.....Snow White lived with seven men.....Pinnochio was a liar......Robin Hood was a thief....Tarzan walked without clothes on....Sleeping Beauty slept the whole day until a guy kissed her.....Cindrella was dancing with a guy till twelve at nite!!!!!
These are the stories our parents rais...ed us with, n now they complain our our generation's messed up!!!!;D


9. Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop n pray
For life's been anything but calmSince u called on me to b a mom
Running errands,matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks!
Cooking,cleaning n finding shoes
n other stuff dat children lose!

10.We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.";D