Great Jokes

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your résumé, I can see that you're more than qualified," says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you."
"But wait," says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking."
"Then show me," replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great you stopped winking," says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country."
"What do you mean?" asks the man. "I'm happily married."
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that," sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"


A woman turns to her husband in bed and asks, "Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?"
"That's crazy. Of course not," he says. "I'd love you no matter who left you the money."


A man approaches a very well-endowed, beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
"Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," she replies.
"Well, it seems like every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."



In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head!"

SANTA BANTA JOKES

Banta, “All of the thrill is gone from my marriage.”


Santa, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"


Banta, “But what if my wife finds out?”


Santa, “Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and just tell her about it.”


Banta goes home to his wife and says, “Preeto, I think an affair will help bring us closer together.”


Preeto, “Forget it, I’ve already tried that. It didn’t work.”





Banta called his friend, Santa, and told him that he recently met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?


Santa said, "Send her some flowers, and on the card invite her for a home-cooked meal."


Banta liked the idea, so he invited the woman.


The day after the meal Santa calls Banta and asks about the meal.


Banta, "It was a flop idea."


Santa, "Didn't the girl come to your house?"


Banta, "She did, but she refused to cook!"

 

santa: samindar me dahi dal raha tha
banta:isi liye log humpe joke banate hay. itni lassi tera baap piyega



Santa got a invitation of party.
Usme likha tha Pink Tie Only
Santa jab party me gaya to logo ne pant shirt bhi pehena tha.





santa ws filling a slambook. He didnt knw d meaning of zodiac sign. He turnd d previus page & saw dat sumbody had written Cancer, so he wrote GAS KI TAKLIF!!..




santa ne hospital me ek surjery gloves dekha, bar bar ulat palat k dekhne k bad bola lagta hai purane jamane ka condom hai!




Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat




Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet.




whats ford?
santa: gaadi.
whats oxford?
santa: so simple, bail gaadi.

Mary Wollstonecraft Quotes

 

Mary Wollstonecraft

No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.

Virtue can only flourish amongst equals.

The endeavor to keep alive any hoary establishment beyond its natural date is often pernicious and always useless.

Independence I have long considered as the grand blessing of life, the basis of every virtue; and independence I will ever secure by contracting my wants, though I were to live on a barren heath.

Till women are more rationally educated, the progress in human virtue and improvement in knowledge must receive continual checks

It is justice, not charity, that is wanting in the world.

To be a good mother — a woman must have sense, and that independence of mind which few women possess who are taught to depend entirely on their husbands. Meek wives are, in general, foolish mothers; wanting their children to love them best, and take their part, in secret, against the father, who is held up as a scarecrow.

We reason deeply, when we forcibly feel.

Abraham Lincoln Quotes

February 12, 1809 – April 15, 1865
16th President of the United States

1."It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

2. People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."

3."Whatever u r ,be a good one."

4."And in the end it is not the years in your life that count, it's the life in your years."

5."The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend."

6."Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power." 
7. A house divided against itself cannot stand
 8."Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm."

9."We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."

10.You have to do your own growing no matter how tall your grandfather was."

Henry James Quotes

1. I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them

2. It takes an endless amount of history to make even a little tradition.

3. Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

4.Since I’ve lived all these years as if I were dead, I shall die, no doubt, as if I were alive…” Wings of the Dove

5.Deep experience is never peaceful.

6.The superiority of one man's opinion over another's is never so great as when the opinion is about a woman.

7. No themes are so human as those that reflect for us, out of the confusion of life, the close connection of bliss and bale, of the things that help with the things that hurt, so dangling before us forever that bright hard medal, of so strange an alloy, one face of which is somebody's right and ease and the other somebody's pain and wrong.

8. Don't mind anything anyone tells you about anyone else. Judge everyone and everything for yourself.

9. A man who pretends to understand women is bad manners. For him to really to understand them is bad morals.

10. An Englishman's never so natural as when he's holding his tongue.

 

 

Kid-Zone.

1."Childhood is that wonderful time when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath."
Richard Zera


2.Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

3."Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Fran Lebowitz.


4.Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

5.Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.


6.Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.


7.Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.



8."Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." -


9.The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

10.Fill in the blanks in english test.
Better late than.............pregnant!!!!!!

Laugh Aloud

1.Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."
Joe Namath


2."My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
Buddy Hackett


3."Insanity is hereditary: You can get it from your children."
Sam Levinson.


4."There are two things that a child will share willingly - communicable diseases and its mother's age."
Benjamin Spock


5."Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your head."
Martin Mull


6.My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale."
Les Dawson


7."When you're eight years old nothing is your business."
Lenny Bruce.


8."In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television."
Erma Bombeck.


9."I never met a kid I liked."
WC Fields.


10."Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."
Joan Rivers.