naughty jokes

1.Husband goes missing.Wife complains at the police station.
Wife-"He is handsome 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean... to your children."
wife- "Yes, but who wants HIM back?";D

2."Yaar,tera beta toh bilkul tere jaisa hi dikhtaa hai!!!!"
"Abbey,dheere bol... woh padosi ka beta hai!!!!!!" ;D

3.

she-Wat wud u do if I died?Wud u marry again?
He-No way!
she-Y not?don't u lyk being married?
He:Ofcourse I do.
she:Then why wudn't u remarry?
...He:Ok,I'd get married
she:u wud?
He:Uf
she:Wud u sleep with her in our bed?
He:Where else wud we sleep?
she:Wud u replace my pictures with hers?
He:That wud seem lyk d proper thing to do.
she:Wud she use my golf clubs?
He:No,she's left-handed.
Silence
Shit!

4. It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don’t know. Some st...upid guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."

5.Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.';P

6.Girl: darling will you keep loving me after marriage like you do now?
Boy: mmm .. Honey all depends upon ur future hubby, if he allows it or not!;)

7.Two old men were talking over old times and saying how much things had changed.
"I didn't even kiss my wife before I married her, did you?"
"I can't remember. What was her maiden name?".

8.First man-I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Second man: Me too, after u leave;D

9.A man never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman? ;D

10.There is so little difference between husbands tht u might as well keep the first;-D

More Quotes

1.Exams are like girl friends. 1. Too Many Questions.2. Difficult to Understand.3. More Explanation is Needed.4. Result is always FAIL.:(


2.BIZZARE: "In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired, and the husband with just her bare hands"


3.A long marriage is like two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time!!!!cheers to all my 'skilled' friends who hv survived their marriage for a decade or more:) and all my best wishes to the brave hearts who'll soon reach the mark.Keep dancing to the life's tune!!!!


4.A 10-year study in Scotland found that 20% of people die of a heart attack on Monday’s compare to any other day of the week! The study suggests that the ‘Monday peak’ could be a result of massive drinking during the weekend and work related stress:(....so guys remember-no stress n moderate drinking;) njoy ur weekend:)


5.Honey is the only food tht doesnt spoil with time! now i know y sweet hearts r called so;)


6.Desire breeds more desires !


7.A girl applied to a computer dating service and reported that she liked water sports n formal wear, and the computer matched her with a PENGUIN !!!!!LOL


8.Dare to make a promise...promise brings hope n hope brings smile..and do u know anythng more precious than ur loved one's smile:)


9.Nothing is so good as it seems before hand.


10.I m not denying the women r foolish. God Almighty made them to match the men!!!!!!! George Eliot

Unforgettable Quotes

1.WATS THE SECRET OF SUCCESS?


"Be open," said the window.
"Keep cool," said the ice.
"Drive hard," said the hammer.
"Be up to date," said the calender.
"Never be led," said the pencil.
"Be sharp," said the knife.
"Burn with passion," said the fire.
"Stick to it," said the glue.
"Be bright," said the lamp

2.Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.:-(

3."Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Maatrirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaktirupena Sansthitah
Yaa Devii Sarvabhuuteshhu Shaantirupena Sansthitah
Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namastasyaih Namo Namah"

4.Men are like...Placemats.They only show up when there's food on the table.

5.HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle. If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further.:(
M0ral:always Keep a SPARE TYRE;

6.GOD IS NOWHERE.
GOD IS NOW HERE.
All that matters is how we wanna see things!

7.Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with;D

8. MEN R HAPPIER BCOZ:
Chocolate 4U is just another snack!
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
...One wallet and one pair of shoes-one colour for all seasons!
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look;D
Wrinkles only add character;)
n The world is your urinal!

9. You love someone,
You marry someone else !
The one you marry becomes your spouse !And the one you loved becomes …………..
the password of your email id !!;)

10.SUCCESS

"At age 4 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . Having money.
At age 50 success is .. . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. Having a driver license.
At age 75 success is . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not peeing in your pants."

Funniest one liners

1.There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it


2.If only life came with Rewind...Forward...Play...Pause.....Next n Stop buttons:(


3.We would rather be ruined than changed;
We would rather die in our dread
Than climb the cross of the moment
And let our illusions die.
~W.H. Auden


4.Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility. Pablo Picasso.

5.Fools rush in..................................................................n take the best seats;D


6.That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake. ;D


7.Eat,drink n be merry.......................for u may b on diet tomorrow;D


8.My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


9.Women are crazy.
Men are stupid.
The main reason why women are crazy is that men are stupid.!!!!!!!!!;D


10.A long time married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled. "It really works!" ;D