Funniest Jokes

1.Santa was feeling happy!
After five minutes,happy slapped him;D




2.To Reduce Depression of Students,Sir Showed them "3 IDIOTS".Sir=What did u Learn 4m the Movie?Students=KISS Karte WaQt NAAK Bich me Nahi Aati ;)




3.Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But wives r smarter so men get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed;D




4.

Shayari dat wud blow ur senses :-


Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
..Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
44 mutual friends
Fir bhi kaun hai bey tu.. :D lol

5.Just thinking if every couple... Husband & Wife, BF & GF exchanged their Facebook a/c & cell phone for 24 hours . Will they b still together after that ?! lol

6.

sardar meets an English man...
Angrez: hi
Sardar: hellow!!
Ang: How do you do?????
Sardar: That's a secret!!!!!!!!!: P

7.Last Night,I broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!"

.
.
I wz thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."”


 

8.

Interviewer :Let me check your word Power...
Sardaar :Ok Sir ....
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of ......good.
Sardar :hmmmm..... Bad
Interviewer : Come
Sardar : Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Sardar : Pichlli.
Interviewer : PICHLLIIIII?
Sardar : UGLYYYYYYYYY..
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Sardar : Keep Talking.
Interviewer :ok now stop these all..
Sardar:ok now carry on this all
Interviewer :abe...chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaaaa
Sardar: abe bolta rah..bolta rah..bolta rahhh
Interviewer :Areeee yaaar
Sardar: areeee dushmannnnnn
Interviewer : Get Out.
Sardar : Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Sardar : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Sardar: I m selected...
I M SELECTED??? REALLY?? BALLE BALLE :))))

9.you know if you're getting older and one day your sweetie says to you, "darling Let's go upstairs and make love." whats your answer???????, i think the answer will be "Honey, I can't do both in one time!"

10. 

A guy went to his gf's house... But at dat tym, only her sis was thr.. She dressed sexy and told her sis' bf dat his gf gone outside and wont come back for 2 hrs and they can have some intimate moments by dat tym... The guy immediately went out.. Suddenly, his gf came and hugged him happily and said "I luv u too much " ... She said she was testing him an...d he passed it...

Moral : Always keep condoms at the bike .. :D

Most popular Jokes

1.Without Love -- dayz are
Sadday,
moanday,
tearsday,
wasteday,
...thirstday,
frightday,
shatterday...
so be in Luv everyday...

2."You cannot blame gravity for falling in love";))Einstein.

3.Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want them to,
doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they've got!!!:)

4.Robert Louis Stevenson writes-"Wine is bottled poetry"
Well..well..now i know why i like poetry;)

5.If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?

6.Two men were searching for their wives lost in a fete.
First Man: How does your wife look like?
Second Man:Oh she is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First Man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...;p

7.Rahul Roy-"Sau saal tak sanam ki aankhon mein doob jaaun,
 Sau saal aur ho toh uske galey lagaoon...............
Sau saal phir milan ki duniya nayi nayi de.................

Mere khuda mujhe tu ek aur jindagi de..."

Khuda-"Beta Rahul-,itna slow jaega,ek aur jindagi bhi kum padegi;D

8.I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon!!!!

9.Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi ek lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife-Kaun thi woh?
Hus-Tum dimaag kharrab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshaan hoon ki woh bhi Yehi puchhegi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!;D

10.Dunno why facebook gives me a choice to 'like' my own comments!!!!!!!!Come on..Ofcourse I like all my comments even wen no one else does;D

naughty jokes

1.Husband goes missing.Wife complains at the police station.
Wife-"He is handsome 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean... to your children."
wife- "Yes, but who wants HIM back?";D

2."Yaar,tera beta toh bilkul tere jaisa hi dikhtaa hai!!!!"
"Abbey,dheere bol... woh padosi ka beta hai!!!!!!" ;D

3.

she-Wat wud u do if I died?Wud u marry again?
He-No way!
she-Y not?don't u lyk being married?
He:Ofcourse I do.
she:Then why wudn't u remarry?
...He:Ok,I'd get married
she:u wud?
He:Uf
she:Wud u sleep with her in our bed?
He:Where else wud we sleep?
she:Wud u replace my pictures with hers?
He:That wud seem lyk d proper thing to do.
she:Wud she use my golf clubs?
He:No,she's left-handed.
Silence
Shit!

4. It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don’t know. Some st...upid guy wanted to know if the coast was clear."

5.Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose all your friends.';P

6.Girl: darling will you keep loving me after marriage like you do now?
Boy: mmm .. Honey all depends upon ur future hubby, if he allows it or not!;)

7.Two old men were talking over old times and saying how much things had changed.
"I didn't even kiss my wife before I married her, did you?"
"I can't remember. What was her maiden name?".

8.First man-I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Second man: Me too, after u leave;D

9.A man never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman? ;D

10.There is so little difference between husbands tht u might as well keep the first;-D

Witty one-liners

1.Having one child makes you a parent:) having two you are a referee:(
David Frost


2.Nothing can change the past,but we can change wat it does to us.


3.There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice!!!


4.The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.


5.I believe in luck. How else can u explain the success of those you dislike????


6."Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still." - Lou Erickso


7.Beauty may b only skin deep, but love is not !!!!!!!!!It grows with ur wrinkles ;)


8.Har pal mein pyar hai// Har lamhe mein khushi hai...Kho do toh yaadein hain// Jee lo toh zindagi hai....!!!!!:)


9.What is this life if full of care// We have no time to stand and stare//


10.How is it tht wen he puts forward a reason.....it is EXPLANATION...but wen she does the same,it turns into an EXCUSE!!!!!:(

Funny Status Updates

1.Romance simply doesnt work with some husbands!Dump the kids early to bed n they get scared "Itna Sannata kyun hai Bhai?":( Arrange a cosy candlelite dinner n they wud switch on the lights to b assured if u serve them in rite proportion!!!:(wish to go for a long drive...they wud suggest why not shop some grocery on the way home:(Ask them for a stroll in rain..n they wud come out with two umbrellas:(


2.After an emotional hug, Girl to Boy:-----
"Oh! If youwould hug me once more like that ,I will be yours forever."...............
Boy:-- "THANKS FOR THE WARNING.";-D


3.Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... some things are just better rich.'


4.Question: What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Answer: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum;D


5.A single spelling mistake that caused divorce!!!!!!!
A man went 2 GOA & sent msg 2 his wife- "Having the most amazing & wonderful time, i wish u were HER".


6.yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....
yun khamosh rehkar tadpogi kabtak....

......Cameraman prafful ke saath deepak chaurasia AAJ TAK:D


7.Best traffic advertisment of the year: Picture of Lord Ganesha with saying:"Take care of your head,not everyone gets a replacement like me".


8. Little Red Rididng Hood dint listen to her mother.....Snow White lived with seven men.....Pinnochio was a liar......Robin Hood was a thief....Tarzan walked without clothes on....Sleeping Beauty slept the whole day until a guy kissed her.....Cindrella was dancing with a guy till twelve at nite!!!!!
These are the stories our parents rais...ed us with, n now they complain our our generation's messed up!!!!;D


9. Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop n pray
For life's been anything but calmSince u called on me to b a mom
Running errands,matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks!
Cooking,cleaning n finding shoes
n other stuff dat children lose!

10.We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.";D

Funny Quotes

1.By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is infinite, undying -
Lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.;D
-- Dorothy Parker


2."And what if,
In your sleep
You dreamed ?
...And what if,
In your dream,
You went to heaven
And there plucked
A strange and
Beautiful flower ?

And what if,
When you awoke,
You had the flower in your hand ?
Ah, what then?"
Samuel Taylor Coleridge


3.Why do we treat the fleeting day
with so much needless fear and sorrow?
It's in its nature not to stay:
Today is always gone tomorrow.


4.The duck looks smooth and calm on top of the water
But underneath there is restless peddling.
In life nothing worthwhile comes without struggle.


5. TERE MERE/WOH SAAT PHERE;)
1st-for nourishing and pure food.(Go for organic only)
2nd-for healthy and prosperous life.(no wonder the weight gain)3rd-for wealth(Root of all misery)
4th-for increase in love and respect for each other(love fights)
5th-for beautiful, heroic and noble children(Ah,here they come)
6th-for peaceful long life 2gether(jhelo n jhelao)
7th-for lifelong friendship(become FB friends)


6.Jinke ghar shishe ke hote hain woh basement me kapde badalte hain".lol


7. TRAINING COURSES FOR WOMEN;)
1.Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
2.Parties: Going without new outfits
3.Bathroom Etiquette I: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too. 4.Bathroom Etiquette II: His razor is His
5.Introduction to parking
6.TV Remotes: For men only."
7.Communication Skills:Tears -The last resort, not the first!


8.An English teacher wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate so that it made sense.
The boys wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'
The girls wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'


9.How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals." !!!!!!


10.To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring........

Witty Updates

1.Why do men like intelligent women?
   Because Opposites attract;)


2.Love is holding hands in the street,Marriage is holding arguments in the street.Love is dinner for two in a restaurant,Marriage is a take-home packet.Love is cuddling on a sofa,Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.Love is going to bed early;)Marriage is going to sleep early;(Love is losing ur appetite,Marriage is losing ur figure.TVhas no place in love,Marriage is a constant fight for remote......


3.You cannot blame gravity for falling in love;)


4.There is so little difference between husbands that you might as well keep the first;)


5.Wine is bottled poetry.


6.If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?


7.Two men were searching for their wives lost in a fete.
First Man: How does your wife look like?
Second Man:Oh she is 5'7", 36-24-36 sexy figure, fair, sweet, beautiful, green sexy eyes, brown hair... And yours?
First Man: Forget mine, let us look for yours...;p


8.I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.


9.Husband aur Wife Hotel me gaye tabhi ek lady ne Hello kiya,
Wife-Kaun thi woh?
Hus-Tum dimaag kharrab mat karo, main pehle hi pareshaan hoon ki woh bhi Yehi puchhegi !!!!!!!!!!;D


10.Dunno why facebook gives me a choice to 'like' my own comments!!!!!!!!Come on..Ofcourse I like all my comments even wen no one else does;D